Your Late First Trimester / Early Second Trimester
The weird in-between phase where you don't know if you're technically in your second trimester but also not quite even fully through your second!
You are likely at the point of broadly starting to share your news, making a baby name list now that you know the gender and considering a doula. Buckle up and get ready for all the belly grabs, judgement and unsolicited advice. Here is what you have to look forward to in this next stage…
One thing I forgot to mention in my first trimester section was how scared sh**less I was when I read “pregnant”. I know this is extremely selfish since a lot of women’s fertility journeys are not as easy. BUT can we discuss how we spent all of college trying to avoid this and now the mindset quickly changes to wanting something so bad? Part of me also was so scared because I was reflecting on the month before when I had no idea I was even pregnant! Let’s just say an endless amounts of rosé and summer fun was consumed. Luckily baby was totally fine and still there at 7 weeks so my last summer without kids was fully enjoyed. As you move forward into the second trimester, where the risk of a miscarriage is significantly reduced, here are some more things to think about. And by the way - don’t ask me what week is technically your second or even third trimester; even the internet does not agree and will give you different answers.
Our baby is the size of an avocado!
I am an idiot and totally forgot to mention this in my first trimester post, one of the first things I did was download two free pregnancy apps: What to Expect and Pregnancy+. Sorry, but you can blame it on my pregnancy brain. These apps were great to keep track of the size of your baby, how many weeks are left and what the bebe is currently developing - like eyes and toenails! It was always fun to tell Chase when baby was the size of a seed, avocado, lemon vs now a full mango.
Other helpful resources recommended by my friend were podcasts. By the time she moved on to her early second trimester, she started listening to the Birth Hour podcast and (if you plan on breastfeeding and want some humor) The Milk Minute.
Man plans, God laughs.
This has become my pregnancy mantra but let me caveat by saying I am not very religious, but my mom certainly is. I grew up in a Catholic household and went to catholic schools my whole life up until college. My mom kept asking me “When are you and Chase going to have kids” and I would always respond too many weddings, we want to travel still, we have lots of time, we are New Yorkers! The final time she asked me this summer, Chase and I were planning a trip to South Africa early 2024 so I said, after this one last big trip we’ll start trying. Little did we know God had other plans in store for us. So take each day, each week with a grain of salt. Don’t overexert yourself, over plan and hyper focus. Last thing we want is to channel this energy post baby as helicopter parents.
Finding out the gender.
Technically, you are able to take a blood test and find out the gender as early as 9 weeks (aka your first trimester not second)! However, I put this in the second trimester section since not everyone finds out the results that quickly. It all depends on if you are having a single child or multiple. If you are having a single child like we are, your doctor can do the test and at 9-10 weeks and have your results back within the week or more. If you are having multiple, you need to wait until 20 weeks when they conduct an anatomy scan to confirm the sex of your babies. Or if you were going to have twins and experienced the loss of one, you also need to wait until 20 weeks since the DNA in the womb might throw off the accuracy of the results. The only way to know for certain what sex your baby will be is through the anatomy at 20 weeks.
For me, finding out the gender wasn’t as magical of a moment that baby reveal’s make it out to be (unless you wait to find out and it’s a true surprise). It’s worth pointing out that the prenatal test that tells you the sex is the same one that tells you if your baby will have the possibility of Down Syndrome or other abnormalities. I found this to be a bit odd, especially the fact that you need to wait until you’re 10 weeks to know the results. If comforting, at least you can choose to request the screening test results before knowing the sex results. For me, the test results took about a week, and I found out the results through a chatbot online - very exciting! I was too anxious to know the results vs. waiting until my doctor had the chance to review the results & call me with the news. Again, a totally personal decision, you can choose to not make this process not be as sterile as I did.
Telling your inner circle.
As you get older, having kids is a biological ticking time clock and not always a walk in the park, especially as you try and have kids later in life like we decided. Be mindful of your audience and how you share your news. You never know how long someone has been trying, if they are considering or are well into their IVF journey or if kids simply aren’t in the cards for them. People need to seriously stop asking “when are you / they having kids” because you really don’t know someone’s current situation. I myself have been culpable of asking this same type of question in the past but as an expecting mom in her 30s, with friends freezing eggs and sharing their IVF stories, I feel more sensitive to the feelings / reaction this might elicit now.
Lastly, there are so many ways to tell your inner circle! I told Chase with a card that read “Dad Bod” and photo of my first ultrasound of that tiny black dot. Since there was nothing really there to see he thought it was a joke. We chose to tell the rest of our friends and family by weeks 9-16 I would say. Again, this was just our experience, you don’t need to gate keep and can choose to tell your inner circle sooner, but we chose to do it this way.
We did it with the physical ultrasound, by pretending to take a pic when in reality it was a video saying “1,2,3 I am pregnant,” giving them our 2023 holiday card with the news, via birthday cards, via phone, text and FaceTime.
The Doula Topic.
Having a doula is hiring someone to be an advocate for you at birth that’s not your doctor or significant other. Like baby nurses, this is something extra to consider and not 100% necessary, just a matter of personal preference. Talk to your doctor first though before hiring one as they might only work with certain doulas. My OB had a short list of 3 that she’d allow if I went with this route…
Personally, we didn’t hire one given I was comfortable with our doctor choice and probable delivery plan. To be completely transparent, I am not 100% sure yet if I will be able to have a vaginal birth or not so - I think it defeats the purpose for sole labor purposes. However, a few friends hired doulas and recommended! I would consider hiring a doula post-birth to do postpartum home check-ins and cooking. Look into hiring one or even a chef to help nourish you back to life with meal services for ~ one month after giving birth. My friend did this and ate red meat for 40 days and never felt better since you lose so many nutrients from birth!
Another good book source recommended by her which dives into this was this one. And for the eager beavers who already want to learn about the “fourth trimester” and healing properly this one.
The Unsolicited Advice and Judging.
As you consider whether you will be the type that occasionally drinks wine while pregnant, whether you will be taking on extra help with a baby nurse or whether you simply don’t know if breast feeding is what you’ll end up doing, people will feel the need to comment on whatever decisions you make. These will get under your skin but keep in mind this is only the beginning and will likely amplify post- bebe in your parenting choices. Best to just ignore them and keep carrying on what is right for you. I’ll recap some of my favorites that I still keep getting from randoms, family and even close friends.
“Do you miss drinking?”
“Do you think you’ll stick to that decision once the baby comes?”
“Aren’t you not supposed to eat that?”
“Don’t worry you’ll lose all the weight once you breastfeed!”
The Belly Grabs and Kisses.
Get ready for people to always randomly touch you! As you start showing a little bit more people will feel compelled to grab your belly - or worse lean into a full-on belly kiss. To be honest, I am not usually a physically affectionate person myself, so this was interesting. Especially since my belly is not a full round, protruding belly so early on it felt a little too close to home in my opinion.
Making a Baby List Name.
I will end on a fun note that you can actually look forward to. This may be something you’ve already had saved deep in your iPhone notes as a result of writing down baby names you’ve loved over the years like I did. Or you may have absolutely no clue and are going to be one of those chill moms that decide at birth he/she looks like an “Apple”. Who knows! Of course, there’s no rush to doing this right now since you have months ahead to debate and decide. Either way, once you find out the gender it’s a fun activity to do with your partner plus you can start buying things!
I know I probably missed a few things, but as I think of more, I will recap in my late second trimester series. More to come on maternity buys, baby buys, the registry debate and all things shopping as this baby moves along.
xx Steph